5.27am

It is on a really rare occasion that i would difficulty sleeping and get up at such ungodly hour after two hours of tossing and turning to logon to the internet. Perhaps it was the late dinner or the incessant rain that's contributing to my insomnia... but i suspect it's just stress and anxiety.

It might be unbelievable for some that someone like me would be stressed to the extend of losing sleep especially when i'm known for my ability to sleep through any crisis and is generally viewed as a pretty blessed person with fairly good fortune. So what's the "crisis" at hand?

A leaking roof.

Yaps. A leaking roof is the start of it all and frankly, i thought it's laughable that i am kept up worrying about something so... mundane. But then, like in all Japanese horror movies... a leaking roof sometimes isn't just a leaking roof is it?

Unfortunately (Perhaps fortunately) this is not a post about any supernatural encounter i have had with my leaking roof though it is a tad bit suspicious how frequent my room has been besieged by water this year [burst pipes, flooded floors, leaking window panes etc]. Rather, its a rather circumlocutious mental process which i am prone to that led one thing to another, each more stressful than the last, accumulating into one sleepless female at 6am in the morning. In fact, i am surprise this sleeplessness isn't happening as often as it should, given my habit to 'ponder' things and play mental leapfrogs on my own. I guess the issues i have thought through before just hasn't been as stress-provoking (singularly or collectively) as it has been tonight.

To summerize and conclude, after analysing all that i have thought through without boring anyone with the unnecessary details and sparing others the brain-ache from taking it from point A to Z, the issue is one of finances, or more importantly, my inability to make sense, take control and shape my personal direction for it. That's the crux of what i'm thinking about, abundantly garnished by my thoughts of family commitments, responsibilities, definition of roles, pride, career, future and my self-confidence.

Quite big things to be thinking about actually.
All because of a leaking roof.

And perhaps, judging from my not-so-comfortable tummy now, the late dinner of hokkien mee did play a small part in it as well.

Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew--
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

- Robert Frost

月亮代表我的心

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

爱睡觉，又爱做梦的我，真适合当月亮。
至于有没有“精神病”，那就得问问我身边的人了。。。

Hmmm... 不知今天我的直觉又会告诉我什么呢？

Fishy...

A rather whimsical picture that one of the kids from camp sent me.

"Dec the Hols with lotsa Work-ie"

Just wrapped up siblings camp last week after two energy-sapping days. I always enjoyed sib camp cos' of the kids, no doubt some of them really stretches your patience and test your ability to restraint yourself from strangling them. But for every one kid who is spoilt, whiny, and irritating, there's always another who touches your heart and makes you smile despite all their antics. The truth is, at the bottom of it all, all kids are great and have lotsa potential to be wonderful people, it is the unfortunate few that has grown up learning habits which will make them the real 'ugly' singaporeans.

There is a reason why the upbringing of a child is such huge responsibility, you are practically molding a person from scratch. I am not saying parents consiously teach their child to be selfish, inconsiderate, rude or money-minded etc (frankly, i was appalled when one child equate the showing of care/love for others or towards himself, is through the act of giving money). But sometimes, as adults, we might have neglected in watching our own behaviour (parents should be role models) and to take some effort in imparting some basic values to children like offering help, speaking nicely to others or even just, saying thank you. And it shouldnt be surprising that when parents give in to their child's every demand and satisfy all their material cravings, these children will soon start to demand to be treated the same by every other people and goes through life feeling that privilege is an entitlement. How else would you explain a child insisting on watching his portable tv (at a camp no less) so that he doesnt miss his favourite power ranger cartoon and when told that he shouldn't be bring such expensive items for camp, replied that "it is ONLY $60"? Or children who refused to eat lunch or breakfast because they wanted "MacDonalds" and asked "Why don't have nasi lemak"?

Then there are also some children who are basically sweet and good kids but whose parents are no less scary than those i've mentioned. There seems to be a growing number of children who appeared to have self-esteem and self-confidence issues, aged 10 and onwards. Originally, sib camp was organized to help siblings of children with special needs to know more about their brother/sister's disability and coping with them but it has been, especially for the older siblings, that their problems revolve more about other personal issues such as parents' expectations on exam results or personal image issues like weight and fitting in. One boy called himself 'useless' because his Chinese is in "band 3", that despite the fact that he has band 1 for two of the subjects and a band 2 for the third. His reason for feeling like he is useless? Because his father said that with Chinese in band 3, he won't be able to make it for university. For pete's sake! The boy is only 10!

How about the girl who refused to eat for most of the meals and when she does, she would only touch half the rice and disappear for the rest of the meal time or look at her friends eating with a really somber face? She refused to admit to being on a diet but when asked if her mother would scold her if the camp leaders were to let mom know that the daughter was not eating, replied that her mom won't be angry since she also felt that the girl needs to be on a diet. Another boy continually refused to participate much in activities and discussion, instead spent time comparing himself to others and wanting to be 'fat' as he felt he was not as 'tall' or 'smart' as others his age despite scoring a really respectable score for his PSLE. He may not be the 'sporty' sort but he refused to even try because he just didn't think he would win anyway. It literally pains me to see him giving up just playing scissors, paper, stone because he said he was 'no good' in anticipating what the other person would do, and running away when anyone try to hit a beach ball his way.

These are really good kids and yet i wondered, what the heck happened? Seems the more i interact and know the kids, the heavier my heart is. A couple of times while listening to them talking innocently and unconsciously of such things, it brings a lump in my throat and i had to stop myself from tearing. Would i, one day as a parent, know what my kids have to go through each day? Would they also feel like they are not good enough despite trying? Would i be the person who reinforce that view point and push them into such low levels of self-esteem? It is frightening when parents are the culprit, or the accomplice to such acts or even if they are plain oblivious to their children's problems.

Sigh.

Was suppose to be a post about camp but somehow it went into parenting and kids. Guess the problems were just too sad and bad to be ignored. The rest of the Dec holidays will just be used to catch up on more work (more screening to be done! More on that later) and catching up on some reading, doing my resume (always better to be 'prepared'), sorting out my stuff for work next year and who knows, maybe some R&R during my leave days.

This year is going to end rather quietly i think... after all that upheaval over the last couple of months, its a going to be a well-deserved break for all of us.

BURST!

One of the water pipes in my room toilet sprung a leak since godknows when and finally decided to 'inform' us by flooding the room early last friday morning. To cut a painful story short (how painful? exactly $900 worth of it), pipe was fixed, toilet turned ugly and frankly, no one knows if there were any other burst pipe in there somewhere. I am a water sign creature, you would have thought all that water would be good. Perhaps it was good for a while till it got too much and I started to “drown”...

I think god, whoever she/he is have a real funny sense of humour. Just when I thought about how life sucks at work, I finally woke up to a whole day where work was miraculously peaceful and the kids and teachers were happy, being the last day of school. But everything else OUTSIDE of work decided to go ape-shit on me, starting with the flooding, and then my auto-gate decided to go bonkers and start shutting while I was driving the NEW Honda Fit out.. Just when I was halfway through the gate. Of course, the day wouldn't have been complete without the carpark at Cineleisure being full just as I was rushing to catch a movie. And while parking at Mandarin's carpark, I just HAD to go down the stairs marked "exit" only to find that after 5 flights of steps, the ground floor door was locked up tight. That was when my phone started to ring with people asking me where was I and 'chasing' me to hurry in time for the movie.

Suddenly, I felt like bursting too.

This week was a "bursting" week as well, filled with training and screening and reports to complete. The school router chose this auspicious time to go bust and its only today that the computer guy managed to get it up. Not that it was his fault cos' a new router was already available, just that no one in school knew what's the password for our account. Duh.

Human-relations wise, the tension simmering between co-workers decided to join in the merry-bursting that's been going around and erupted spectacularly over the weekend. Heck! I am a Pisces and we require tranquillity to thrive! All this 'heat' is just steaming this fish up. Every senses within is telling me to butt out of it and just chill since it isn’t my call nor my business. I guess I agree… and if just looking at how things stand, its probably better for me since I’m not gonna be helpful to anyone.

The thing is, I personally feel conflicts are all but unavoidable wherever we may be. The key is, was it worth the hassle to enter into them, for what ends and finally what do we do resolve it. Perhaps I am getting old and cranky so can no longer see things as clearly as I use to. On the other hand, perhaps I am just not as impetuous with my actions and my opinions, because sometimes it is just not worth my hide to get involve between others' "personal" issues, even if it may be 'work' related.

It might seem uncaring but I suppose everyone is entitled to their own views and ways of doing things. I am not in a position to judge who was right, who was wrong. I just feel sort of bad for everyone. It was unfortunate that it involved people I happened to work with and care about, and at times it is difficult to say anything without sounding 'judgemental' or coming off a high-horse. On my own personal level, there are things that bother me about what's happening. It is definitely not how I would do things but again, I am in no place to say much because as a 3rd party observer, I would be viewed as someone who doesn't know the real story. Frankly... who does know the real deal? The elephant will always look different depending on where you stand.

If we have access to every single information... every single incidents, every single thought, emotion, motives, views, passing thoughts, images that passes through everyone's head, then perhaps we could say we knew why people do or say the things they do. But if that's true, we would truly be gods. The fact is, we are not omnipresent and omniscient. We can't speak of others so unequivocally, as if we truly and fully understand them and we shouldn’t. If anything, it's at best a clever assumption, a lucky guess, a calculated view based on experience or a skewed perspective depending on what I had eaten for lunch. Yet, it is something that I myself would readily do…

Life, as you grow older, becomes more keenly felt as you realized that time isn't just an abstraction, but a loud sounding buzzer constantly bombarding your senses (if you would pay attention to it, is of course another matter), telling you that if you don’t make the most of it now, there ain't no second chance. The youngsters fly by things and sometimes do not stop to consider, believing that there is always another opportunity to do good around the corner. There are also others who just focus on what's right in their faces and failed to look beyond and consider that sometimes things are not just defined by the parts they see, but a sum of parts and more. Like they say, hindsight is always 20/20. Pity my myopia now… but I guess further down the road, I would see this point of time with more clarity with my “20/20” hindsight vision.

Still, right now, instead of the ill-will, anger and apathy bursting all around us, I wish that in its place we could have more understanding, patience and empathy... But with humans, that’s really a tall order. At the end of the day, people will still do and say the things they do from where they stand. Just like me choosing to write on this blog now... perhaps against the better judgement of some, who knows?

The kiss that seals it all...

The kiss that seals it all...
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

With our blessings...

Last saturday was one of my best friend, angie's wedding and despite all the initial apprehension about the timing and preparations, turned out to be a really fantastic wedding. During the time while she was preparing for her big day, i saw in her, many little things which i myself have gone through. I guess there was a certain affinity to that and all the shared experiences (i.e. with our partners)that i really wanted to help make the wedding a memorable one for her and her hubby, Max. So, as a wedding present, I thought to decorate the church wedding.

It took a month or so of planning; from trying to find out what kind of flowers she would like, what colour combination and what type of decoration she would need. I have never ever done any floral decor before but i figured it would be a nice gift for the couple instead of them spending tons of money for only a few flowers if they were to get a real florist to do it. Of course, i did not quite anticipate the amount of hours involved but nothing that could not be tackled with a little planning (a schedule of when and what to do does got a long way), organization (what to buy, where to buy, how many) and good fortune (in terms of having great and talented friends & family).

With the help for fantastic colleagues such as Joanna, who accompanied me to get flowers and showed me where they were sold even cheaper than Far East (JiMei has 15% discount between 7-8pm from wed-fri!!). She also 'loan' me her house and taught me how to do a floral arrangement from scratch 2 nights before the wedding, staying up till past midnight with me to complete 3 floral arrangements needed for church. Then there was fei and puaysze who came by on the night before, staying till midnite to help me de-thorn bucketful of roses, making little bouquets for the pew decorations as well as arranging floral basket all by themselves for the reception.

Last but not least, there is my own hubby who took a cab all the way to Bishan to help me transport the 3 huge basket of flowers from Joanna's place when i called him after 11pm, as well as taking care of all the carrying and heaving of flowers up and down the staircase on the day of the wedding. Without all of them, I would not have been able to do it at all. I am thankful of all the help i have gotten from them, just as i am glad to have been able to help another. It felt really good, despite the week of deprived sleep from making seemingly endless ribbons and netting. In actual fact, the gift doesn't just come from me, but all these friends who has also contributed greatly in making it a reality.

Anyway, everyone was very please with the results, i sure hope Angie and Max felt the same way too. :) Hope that their marriage will be a blissful and happy one...

大拇指

I am seriously addicted to this new PSII game i am playing. Its in Japanese and involves committing mass murder as a samurai warrior (i.e. mindless tapping on the game console). No need to think, no need to plan, just whack at any soldiers that gets in your way. The graphics is simple and straightforward, and despite all the violence, there was not a single drop of blood in sight. The game also rather nicely tidy up after you cause' all the corpses automatically disappear once they fall. Very accomodating and thoughtful of the programmers.

Frankly, i really do not quite know what i was doing but just tapping on one of the buttons seems enough for my character to continue 'levelling' and it is quite mesmerizing to see one's skills improves as the death count climbs. Morbid but, engaging. Now i understand how one gets addicted to simple mindless games. The only grouse i have is that after 5 hours of continuous playing and doing that number of hours consecutively for 3 days, my thumb has gone red and sore from moving the joystick (rather violently) on my left hand. For some reason, i just do not have that knack of causally moving the joystick like my brother does. I don't see him ending up with red thumbs that's for sure...

I wonder if i will end up with a permanently swollen thumb. That would be quite odd no? As it is, i am already finding it hard to explain why my thumb has a plaster on it even though it is not bleeding (erm... that's to provide additional 'cushion' when i play). Maybe i should just continue playing mahjong with 曹操 and 关公instead even though they cheat most of the time and make me lose tons of 'money'... Well, at least my fingers are left intact, so what if my ego is a trifle bit bruised? :)

Enabling or not...

Participated in a focus group organized by one of the sub-committees loToking into special-needs population in Singapore. The question posed was, what to we need to achieve "excellence" in special-ed?

A loaded question if there ever was one.

A fair number of professionals was there from various sped schools and we were the second run; parents with special needs children has already given their views earlier this month. At first, i would say people were cautious, careful to say what would not be misconstructed. But it was quite clear even from the beginning where this will eventually head... the lack of unity, standards in the field of special-ed and a strong need for a direct involvement from the government beyond their role as a funding body and financial regulator.

So many voices has been clamouring for this for ages but has always been shut out and i think the main reason is that there is this 'fear' that once the govt takes over special-ed (no longer running ad hor under VWOs), all the responsibilities would be put solely on the ministry (like.. MOE for instance). That's one hot potato.

Hence it would make more sense if amongst us VWOs, we could come up with some agreement and clarify the diverse roles of the stakeholders involve (clients, schools, govt) so as to tackle the whole problem as a group than expecting a miracle to happen from above. Asking for more money individually would not stop the vicious cycle of inefficient resource allocation, murky criteria of delivery standards, poor future planning, lack of clarity and direction, and ultimately help for the special-needs population is hardly translated directly or effectively by all the efforts put in.

Coming under the umbrella of the ministry (MOE is quite a logical choice given the infrastructure it already has in education) can shape the whole special-ed scene dramatically. We need for special ed to be view under a realm of EDUCATION than CHARITY. There is so much more that can be done and it is still a sizable portion of Singapore's population, worthy for more to be done for it.

Well, the focus group is the first step and there has been many 'first steps' before... let's hope this will get us all somewhere.

Realization No: 84

I can't remember when was the last time i did not practise any self-censorship on this blog.

Must have been at least 2 or 3 years ago. When i was too self-indulgent to care and just wanted to spill my guts and tears out. It's a catharic experience to let everything go and spew negativity and sadness in multiple blogs once in a while.

Difficult to do that now.

Especially when problems become more complex and you yourself are not as clear as to what exactly you want to say.
Especially when you become conscious of the people who may read this, read into this and form conclusions which you have no wish for them to do so or even to form them before yourself have already formed one.

Tricky.

Hazily yours...

I am having sort of a love-hate relationship with the Haze right now. If i sound pretty confuse, i probably am.

I hate the smoke for making my skin extra sensitive... as if being allergic to certain seafood and some metals is not enough. Now everytime i get a bug bite or if i rub my skin a tad bit, i literally gets welds and bumps appearing almost immediately. Not a pretty sight in my opinion, even though i am not usually described by others as 'vain'. I just looked like i'm having a break-out or have been bitten by something bad. Worst thing is, more surface area would then start to itch as well.

Of course, the dust (or fine ash?) is making my nose run. My mom's miracle pill every morning can only do so much for my sinus. On bad days, i would be sneezing non-stop the minute i am outdoors and OK when i returned to an enclosed aircon room EVEN when i have taken my early morning sinus vit pills! Between botchy skin and running red nose/blinky eyes, i really don't know what's worse. Oh yes, and the haze is making wilk COUGH more... sheesh...

BUT.. then there is that little part that thinks perhaps school will be close due to the haze (hurray!)... and no more assembly duties (hurrah!)... and no more request to sleep with the window open and sweating my skin off (yes! yes! YES!). I know its probably selfish... and i am NOT wishing for the haze to continue (bad bad alice *smack hand*) but if its going to be around, at least i could milk it for some "good" eh? So in a way, what i am really thinking, isn't 'bad'... just ermm... trying to see the silverlining behind the clouds!

After all, who is the one that told me... when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade! HA! :)

“就说我不在。。。”

我正“躲”在办公室里，静悄悄地逃避着楼上等着我开会的一群人。
一群等着我开一个我没必要出席的会议的人。
让我不由自主的想避开一些拿不定主意的人。
电话已经响了好几次但我都没接。只想静静地躲过这一切。
我不想开会，更不想见到某些人。
不想帮她们解决一些永远也解决不了的问题，
解决一些我没必要解决的问题。
我很累，也很厌倦这种‘逃亡’地生活。
电话又响了。。。真地好烦啊！
可以说我不在吗？

A smile that melts...

Awww... this face is just too cute for words. When he looks at you like that, you can hardly refuse him anything. Wish my folks will bring him back here but that's highly unlikely. Poor puppy needs more room to play than a 25th storey garden...

Ya... sure...

Your Seduction Style: The Coquette

You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you complete. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

<< 倔强>>

当我和世界不一样
那就让我不一样
坚持对我来说就是以钢克钢
我如果对自己妥协
如果对自己说谎
即使别人原谅，我也不能原谅

最美的愿望
一定最疯狂
我就是自己的神，在我活的地方

[ 我和我最后的倔强
握紧双手绝对不放，下一站是不是天堂
就算失望不能绝望
我和我骄傲的倔强
我在风中大声的唱，这一次为自己疯狂
就这一次我和我的倔强 ]*

对爱我的人别紧张
我的固执和善良
我的手越肮脏，眼神越是发光
你不在乎我的过往
看到了我的翅膀
你说被火烧过，才会出现凤凰

逆风的方向
更适合飞翔
我不怕千万人阻挡，只怕自己投降

[*]

就这一次让我大声唱
啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦 (x3)
就算失望不能绝望
啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦 (x3)

就这一次我和我的倔强

<< 五月天 >>
词，曲：阿信

Whisky

Meet my folks' new golden retriever puppy... at least i _think_ its a goldie. His name is Whisky and i've always wondered if that's such a good choice for the dog. Firstly, the Whisky we had before (my brother's mini schnauzer puppy) didn't make it through winter in China. Secondly, the colour of his coat looks more like BEER than 'whisky'. And lastly, his personality is quite bubbly, definitely not mellow and 'aged' like hard liquor. Perhaps he would be more suited to a name like... Champagne! Except that it sounds way too odd and 'girly'. Hahaha. Anyway, the point is moot. He is already responding to 'whisky', just that it look really odd when a big bouncy puppy comes pounding whenever we call.

无聊的一天

在一个人的办公室里，我很自然的就不想做我该做的工作。是已经厌倦了这份“职业“还是忘了责任感是什么？总有一种很难解释的疲惫与顺序而来的无奈。我想我一定是累了。不只是肉体上的疲惫，更是心灵上的疲倦。我懊恼为何原本对这工作充满活力的我，如今变成这样一个连踏出工作室的力气也没有的人。真的很可悲，很可笑。

以前工作是我向往的一件事。每天早上会很开心的来上班，很开心能看见小朋友。也许工作已经变质了吧。随着工作”年纪“的增加，我的责任也开始变得复查，变得乏味。每个星期不是开会，就是开会。老开些只会浪费时间与精神的会。工作的中心不再是孩子们，而是无聊得程序与条例。一些大家都无法一致认同得程序，无法理解得条例。每一次得会议上都好像战场般，见到不同人站在不同的立场上争个你死我活。可惜的是我也必须这样，不然也难保自己的意念与看法。正如杀场上的士兵，敌不过的就得听命与他人，也得假装无所谓。毕竟我也得生存在这恶竟里，不是吗？

不要为我惋惜以熄灭的热诚，也不要为我感到懊恼这一切的不公平。人生就是如此，没有变迁更不可能有人生所谓的转捩点。我看也该是我踏出去转动转动的时候了！

Finally...

终于有了"南极星"，不用在愁不能用华文来记载一些以前想要以华文来表达的情绪和事情。甚至可以让我不用在烦恼这么阅读一些华语或粤语的网页了。这些事可能对一般人来说不是件难事，但对偶尔电脑白痴的我却不一定是件轻而一举的事。嗨！也认了吧！不行就是不行。不用在多加解释为何不行了。有个可以替我解决电脑语文的软件，虽然得付出一点"代价" 但重比求人老是跟我讲解一些如何下载某些与某些软件，解释如何调正某些与某些电脑的细节与程序来的好吧？或许是我对这方面的常识不多，还是脑筋不成开窍，但总算少了一件让人心烦的事。

初次运用这软件，不是很顺手。应该是我很久没以华语拼音来输入资料了吧？显得有些陌生和迟钝。错字也肯定一大堆。希望再练习练习就会比较顺手了。另一件奇怪的事，不知这么搞的，当我以华文来写出感想时，"语气" 总有些不自然。非常的'规矩' ，就像是中学时期填写作文一般。怪别扭的。不懂这改得了吗？*嘻嘻*

Great local tv...

I never thought i would say this but i think the love anthology series showing on channel 5 every tuesday night is one the best example of great local tv series ever. I've caught everyone of them so far and i am completely "wow-ed". The series of 'tele-movies' has one of the best cinematography i've ever seen locally, wonderful storylines, commendable acting from a largely 'non-famous' cast with none of the 'over-the-top' performances we have been getting from local sitcomes and channel serials, and generally good pacing, editing and directing. I am no expert but darn, it is REALLY good! Hope to see more of from this series...

PS: And thanks to gpa for the correction.. *paiseh*

Unsaid

ears plugged into
songs heard
only in the
head to words
unheard and eyes
downcast

its only that
much to say not
just saying its
listening to
songs heard
only in the head

words unheard in
the head but
listened to
songs overcast
when it can
only be so isn't

it just don't
fill up the empty
void with words
unheard but listen
to songs overcast
on me

Back & Tired

Back from trip and tired as hell. It doesn't help when my folks' golden retriever puppy insist on waking us up at 5 something in the morning by opening our door & popping his big head on the bed. Still, a fantastically friendly chap and oh-so-CUTE! Think he went about mad with so many people playing with him that he ended up throwing tantrums (whinning, barking, tearing up toilet paper) when he didnt get any attention...

Nothing much to say about the trip... cept, too much food, too much shopping, too much people (Its national day in china on Oct 1st), too much smog, too much noise! Not all of that is bad since i am quite used to it but not sure how for the others. Guess will leave the judgement up to them. Must be quite an unusual experience for them since its not the typical china tour thingy, esp when you are roped in suddenly as an impromptu wedding event planner cum decorator for one of my dad's employees at the office. After half a day of hurriedly buying materials, trying to figure out what chinese people actually want for weddings (esp if its a east meets west at makeshift church type wedding), sorting out colour schemes, putting up stools and decors and finally the actually wedding itself, i must say i did feel a certain sense of pride and feeling of a job well-done at the end of it.

Folks looked fine but guess they could always do with more company from us kids, not that i am very good company for them, esp my mom. But it was good... no major major outbreak... and i did have the help of the MP3 player at timely moments when avoiding tricky questions. Heh heh

Could do with another break after this one though. Think that in the excitement of doing so many things (from folks to friends), i actually forgot i was suppose to be resting... and finishing up my reports. Sighh... Oh well...

In Conversation...

P1232584x.jpg
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Conversation between hubby and cat...

My view for this weekend...

Humen 1 - View from Al's folks apartment
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Going to bring a couple of my colleagues to Humen over our long weekend (Children's day holiday + Polling day leave) from thurs till monday. Haven't made up my mind if it is a good or not-so-good thing because i am not sure how i should 'host' them. But then, they are really nice people and i guess if you like to shop, eat and sing ktv at minimal cost, Humen is the place for you. A tad worried about the weather, especially the pollution and the smog is pretty horrible at times. Guess i will just do what i always do when i get there, stay pretty much indoors (be it at home or in the retail outlets). Not quite the initial idea of lying in the sun and pristine beaches relaxing ourselves but at least i know the shopping would be good!

Evening out

Its been a while since i stayed out till wee hours with friends. Used to be a time when it was a weekly event but i guess things changed... with age, with interest (or the lack of), and of course, with marriage. I guess i ought to feel like i should be responsible and 'pious' enough to want to confine my social activities to dinners with friends and nothing beyond a midnight movie with hubby in tow. To a certain extend i do feel responsible and.. what's the word, mature? grown-up? to stay within the unstated human boundaries of behaviour subscribed for people of my age and.. hmm martial status. BUT, frankly i can't honestly say that i totally believe in doing it within those boundaries and will do it wholeheartedly without complains. The inherent contradiction within me makes me feel defensive and angry... with myself and my inability to settle into being either happily responsible, wilfully selfish or confidently 'balanced'.

Sometimes I wish i could do things without thinking that i need to worry about how others' feel, or at least being able to successfully disregard them. I don't like to explain myself and wish that i do not know that i have to explain myself. Yet i do know, but i wont (or don't want to) so i feel like shit. Guess life isn't quite that structured and boxed up into easy to use compartments with universal SOP available. Sounds crazy and overly self-indulgent but... but nothing. Perhaps that's all it is and life goes on, with me in it, happy, frustrated, upset, indifferent or otherwise.
.
.
.

Back to the evening.

Dinner at Basil Alcove at Fortune Ctr was great. Cheap & delicious food and an entertaining chef who was so nice as to help us unlock the toilet in the building and escort us to the lift to the carpark when it was late (Thanks Xander!). A cosy little place for dinner and drinks, top up by a nice little chat with the owner/chef. Highly recommended for the food, prices and hospitality. Of course, it doesn't hurt to have really good friends sharing the food, drinks and conversation with you (better when one of them has a tendency to include people around him into it as well!). After dinner it was a mapcap attempt to crash a party that sue babes told us about at some guy's penthouse where we had to first dash to find somewhere to buy some booze as our 'entrance' fee... A fantastic deal especially when the 10 bottles of beer we bought were in exchange for no-holds-barred endless liquor from the bar counter (what bourbon coke? Just give me the bourbon!).

Then it was people watching all the way for me since i was the designated driver for the evening. Not that i mind since heavy drinking wasn't quite my thing anyway. It was just wicked to be with a incorrigible twerp and a sassy babe together for the rest of the evening watching other people getting wasted and being incredibly stupid (its terrible how you can say absolutely meaningless things and have some wasted guy/girl blabbering like a baby about their lives) from our really cool garden table vantage point. By the time we settled into our corner, sue has arrived in gorgeous 80s style top and matching eye-shadow (theme of party is the 80s btw). All me and angie could do was pull our ponytails to the side so as to not look too out of place amongst people in weird-ass spandex and wild rock&roll hair wig walking around.

It was a mad mad party where only a couple of us were sane (Twerp though was halfway there cos he was getting high enough to make us want to drag his ass home yet sober enough to take what he says seriously) and sober enough to listen to running commentary about humour social behaviour and others playing 'The Game' from the expert himself. Imagine spending the evening with close friends sharing a wicked little secret that only you all were in on it while others ain't, as well as using it to your advantage. Priceless! And being the good friend that he is, twerp really brought the party (at our little corner) up a notch with his absolutely irreplacable sense of humour and character. That's 4 thumbs up from me and angie, you little crap! :D I think angie would agree that it has been one of the most fun thing we have done in a while and it wouldnt have been possible without a certain little twerp from Perth and his rather indepth (not to mention firsthand) knowledge of a certain wicked little book.

By the time we cut out of the party it was almost 3.30 (and someone's flight couple of hours later at 7am and he has not packed yet). Still, it was 3 laughing idiots in the middle of the road at 3.30am that makes it all worthwhile. And more so for us two girls, as there's probably a certain sense of liberation that is beginning or gonna being to be harder to come by, that makes it all the more the crazy harmless fun that it is. Of course this was not something i would do often (since the company really makes that difference)... but once a while.. heck, i wouldn't miss it for the world. Next year's party anyone? *chuckles*

Not sure about this...

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or even a completely different life. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

My funni Hunni on our first anniversary...

Encounter of the.. weird kind
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Here's my dearest hubby... a bit on the odd and goofy side but a really nice chap.

Sure, the last year hasn't been exactly a bed of roses (what is?) and we learnt new things about each other. Some of which are good, some bad, some remotely disturbing and some... let's just say that they are pending 'judgement'. Anyway, any journey where you learn, is a worth-while one. There are just that many nice things amongst the difficult ones that makes one look forward to growing old together. As usual he is the optimist that perks up this pessimist when the going gets tough... though there are days when i can swore that he sometimes delibrately do things just to rile me up. Can a husband-wife relationship gets any more confusing? :)

Anyway for our first year anniversary, i threw him a big big surprise by checking us into Ritz carlton (WooOo bathtub with a view!) and having a nice dinner together. He was totally clueless even up till the point when my brother (my accomplice) drove him to the hotel and gave him the room number to go to. Sounds sordid but hey... at least we are already married! *chuckles* Anyway, it was a good weekend and let's just keep it at that.

Guess our 'road' is still long and its the only first pit-stop... let's hope the rest of the journey together would just be as wonderful, though a little less 'disagreements' at times would be good too. *smiles*

Seeing Red

Its OK to look up...
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

You must admit that this is a most interest perspective...one that is seldom taken by anyone; looking up at a lady's 'knickers' from under her skirt. But that's where we landed up while visiting Yokohama Modern Art Museum one saturday morning.

I really take my hat off to the ladies taking turns to sit on the high chair while watching different passerby crawling under her humongous red skirt to get to her 'bottoms' (often helping them along by giving encouragement/direction and moving her skirt).

...

I think one's journey is often enriched (in some cases, made definitive) by experiences such as these... little 'incidents' beyond a guidebook...

Me, Chip & Dale

Me, Chip & Dale
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Finally, with the latest addition of our Disneyland & final leg Tokyo shots, all our Japan photos are uploaded. *Phew* tough work for wilkie and he had to spent a number of days/nights outside of his work to do it.

*Pat pat dearie's head*
Thank you!
*muaks*

Heeee... I think my smile with Chip & Dale said it all :-D

Say "Cheese"!

Crab bathed in neon lights...
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Man... now i have an image of crab baked with cheese in my head.

Right. Got to clear that off in a hurry.

Back at Osaka Aquarium, i remembered being entralled by the giant hokkaido crabs because it looked nothing like the crab we usually see. Definitely not thinking of baked crabs then... To a certain extend, there was a certain reverence while viewing these majestic creatures. Feels a little guilty now that we've been eating them actually after seeing how big they could grow.

What's the word for people who abstain from eating seafood? Hmmm is there such a word in the first place?

Anyhow, here's one really cool looking crab...

Tokyo Tower

Tokyo Tower
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

The 'famed' Tokyo Tower at night. First time i really paid attention to it was because it was the recurring theme in one of those japanese serials that i was crazy over at one time. Can't remember what's the title but it had Takuya Kimura in it. Anyway, here's the real Tokyo Tower viewed from Mori Tower. Much better view than being on it i think. Besides, heard that Tokyo Tower is sort of a tourist trap, so what's the point? It's probably better viewed from afar...

Tokyo at night

Tokyo at night
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

I quite like this nightshot of Tokyo from the top of Mori Tower's Tokyo Sky Deck in the very trendy Roppongi Hills (freaky expensive designer stuff). Its 54-storey high and offers a panoramic view (well almost) of Tokyo. We get to see Tokyo Tower and even as far as Disneyland. Well technically we couldn't see Disneyland at night but we did see the nightly fireworks from that distance though.

Passing...

My grandfather-in-law (wilk's paternal grandpa) passed away last wednesday at the age of 79 and the funeral was held over 5 days (wed - sun). Feeling sort of drained now and everyone involved looked really tired.

I have a lot of emotions and thoughts whirling around my head about wilk's grandpa, his illness, his family, the funeral etc. But i think, they are much too personal to share at this moment, and i am also not sure what to make of them.

The one thing however i would share was that my strongest memory of ah-gong (though i may not have known him well) was the grinning expression in his face and his little 'victory' hand sign in the group family photo at the wedding dinner of wilkie & me. That photo never fails to make me laugh when i look at it. And that was the exact image that i recall during the numerous prayers & rites at the funeral. It may seem strange that while everyone else was sniffing and sobbing, i was actually smiling through my tears as i think about ah-gong. It may seems insolent or queer but i think it was my own little way of mourning his passing.

I may not share ah-gong's or his family's beliefs but... i hope he is happy and contented wherever he is.

Byebye, Ah-gong.

Quote at the end of the week...

Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor
- Benjamin Franklin

And what would discontent make a poor man?

Hole in the pillar

Hole in the pillar
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

This little rectangular hole at the bottom of a massive pillar in Todaiji (Nara) attracts lots of children and adults while we were there. There was a pretty long line of people queuing to squeeze through the hole. Little children of course had no difficulties squirming their way through but the adults... that's a different matter altogether. In fact i was quite anxious for one or two of them who almost looked like they couldn't make it midway through the hole. Luckily, with a little help from friends pulling and tugging from both ends, there wasn't any causalities... yet.

Wilk and I gave a whack at it and made it safely through (but i needed a little bit of help la :P). It is believed that those who can crawl through this hole will be able to ascend to heaven when they die. Guess heavens is only reserved for children and not-so-large people eh? In any case, if that's true, looks like both Wilk and I just reserved ourselves a spot there.

Dogs on (Fashion) Parade

Dogs on (Fashion) Parade
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

I wonder if it is only in Japan that people would dress up their dogs to look like 'Miffy'. When i saw this at the street market outside sensoji(Asakusa), i had a sudden vision of Ruskie wearing the exact same thing. It took tremendous will power not to succumb to that urge to buy it for my cat.

Phew.

I think i might have save myself a couple hundred yens and painful scratches from Ruskie.

Gaze

Gaze
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

I didn't fiddle much with wilk's camera while in Japan, just taken a shot or two here and there. This is one of my favourite shots that i took though there was nothing much to do with the country per se. It was taken of this little 4 or 5 yr old English (or American) girl sitting infront of us with her parents & brother on the Shinkasen train from Tokyo to Kyoto (3hr+).

Think she might be a bit grouchy and sulky that afternoon because she didn't want to talk and sort of just stared moodily out the window most of the time. Or perhaps her parents woke her up too early to catch the train. Whatever it was, she still looked really pretty with her golden hair and big eyes so i wanted to take a photo of her. Except she didnt quite feel like being photographed because she began to avoid looking at me the minute i held up the camera.

In the end it was sort of like a bit of hide and seek (her continuing to look sulky, but interested) where i would hold up the camera and she turn her back towards me when she hear the camera click but then pop out to look at me again when i put down the camera. Finally, i was sneaky enough to click on the camera as her back is turned but remain poised to take a quick second shot when she predictably turn her head around to look at me as she told it would be 'safe'.

Heh heh i still remember that little girlish indignant look she threw at me and turning away in a huff when i managed to get a shot. But before you know it, she actually started the whole hide and seek thing again. And once wearing a cute pair of star-shaped sunglasses where she acted really like a diva avoiding the paparazzi. *chuckles* In the end i got a few shots playing this 'game' but still, i like very first 'successful' shot the most.

It might not be a very well composed photo or contain a very interesting subject matter but i guess sometimes its the story behind it that makes a shot memorable and "beautiful" in my eyes.

'Stuck'

'Stuck'
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Hmm.. this is exactly how i am feeling now.

Spending time

Not that i have that much time to blog... but i rather spend my time doing this than.. say, "work". Man, at this rate, i am going to suffer from work depression. What a 180 degrees turnabout from my first year at work. If you ask me then if i thought i would ever feel like this about work, i would have answered with a resounding, "No".

But it has become as such my friends.
It has.

"Either i will find a way, or i will make one" - Sir Philip Sidney

I tried looking for a way to survive in this environment but it seems like the more i try to look for a solution, the more evasive the solution becomes. Perhaps it is time to acknowledge that 'a way' may not be to try to 'save' this sh*t h*le i am in, but to seek 'a way' out. Even if i have to charge right at the walls and break through it. A way i must make to GET OUT for ME, not a way to undo the mess that other people keep heaping on our heads.

Hell, its one thing to believe in the "ideals" but it is totally another thing to be uplifting it in a place when there seems to be a conspiracy to undermine it or just total incapability to adhere to it. Whatever it is, 'ideals' cannot be holding up my head above the water at the end of the day. There have got to be more!

I am sorry if i have disappointed any of you for thinking like this. But i really cant go on like this for very much longer.

I think it is about time i start planning on how to pave my own way.

"Fixed again"

But don't know for how long.

"wai"

Dunno why but my side bar has gone 'down under' again.
Happens everytime after a few post though i did not touch the template...
Hmmm okie.. i did touch it but that was just to include Mr Tabs onto the sidebar and during preview and for a couple of hours, everything looked fine!

*frown*
What am i missing out on?

New Pond

Pond Musings: The Pond Reopens for Business
Ngiap Heng, our wedding album photographer just came back from the a pretty long hiatus and announced that he is gonna stop doing AD wedding photography to concentrate on doing more commercial work & portraits at The Pond. A great loss to future wedding couples i am sure but heck.. good for him i'd say!

When we first met NH, he has already struck me as someone a trifle bit odd to be in the wedding photography business, especially when you listen to his ideas and philosophy of taking photographs. Frankly he is more of an artist and just have too much to offer than be doing AD for wedding couples especially most couples just prefer the run-of-the-mill sort of wedding photography and NH is definitely not a run-of-the-mill photographer. Just check out his website and blog and you'll see what i mean...

Still, i can help but feel a trifle bit glad that our wedding was before his decision was made cos we weren't going to have a wedding album unless NH could be the photographer. Phew, lucky for us! *grins* Anyway, really wishing him and his team at The Pond all the best. There's nothing more important than doing what you believe in... :)

Post 30 Syndrome

AHA!

A new look for the blog.

A tad girlish and not at all my usual style but...
it's a woman's perogative to be fickle, no?

Took me about 2 hours to tweak and customize the original template.
Would have been quicker if my eyesight and mental processing have not aged alongside my physical body.

Ah well.
At least a productive way to spend the Youth Day school hols than lie on the couch to play mahjong on the PSII.

Now i am playing AND tweaking my blog!
*grins*

Thousands of toriis

Thousands of toriis
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

At last, the first part of our Japan trip's photos is out.
All the 123 photos are ONLY for Tokyo & Kyoto.
And it is only SELECTED photos.

16GB... That's how trigger happy wilk can be.

Sigh... Man!

But at least, they were nice photos... even if there were occasions he nearly lost track of me because he lingered so far behind trying to snap a shot at every things he see. *heh heh*

Anyway... more to come later!

A change is in order

I want to change the template for my long-neglected blog.
Just to freshen it up a little, especially since the alighment also abit koyak.

But then i am seized by an overbearing sense of... lethargy.
That pretty sums up my life these days actually.

16 GB

After 15 days in Japan and that's the amount of photos we have.
All of 16GB...
Good lord..
Makes me wonder how we are ever gonna finish sorting them through.

Japan was great though we had a couple of pretty 'harassed' moments initially as we hardly had time to prepare ourselves for the trip. Basically we worked right till the last minute and rushed home to pack before going to the airport after work.

The places we visited was memorable though the walking was pretty tiring. Shopping was great but terribly expensive, especially in tokyo. Food was quite affordable and hotels were not too bad though rooms in tokyo are pretty small. And most surprising was Japanese people spoke more english than we had anticipated, even if they didn't, you could always get an "eigo-menyu" (English menu).

Anyway, here's the itinerary...

Day 1 : tokyo - Ueno koen & asakusa

Day 2: Tokyo - Tsukiji fish mkt, harajuku, shinjuku,

Day 3: Tokyo/Kyoto - Explore kyoto station area, downtown kyoto & Gion

Day 4: Northern Kyoto - Fushimi-inari taisha, Nanzen Ji, Honen-in, Chion-in

Day 5: Southern Kyoto - Ginkakuji, tofukuji, kiyomizu-dera,

Day 6: Kyoto/Nara: Kinkakuji, Around Nara City & Kofuji

Day 7: Nara Koen - Todaiji, daibutsu-den, Kasuga Taisha

Day 8: Nara/Ise - Day trip to Ise Jingu

Day 9: Nara/Kobe - Harbor Land, Meriken Park

Day 10: Kobe (day trip to Osaka) - Osaka Kita area, Umeda Sky Tower, Osaka Aquarium

Day 11: Kobe/Himeji - Himeji jo, Koko-en, overnight at onsen ryokan hotel

Day 12: Himeji/Tokyo - Central Tokyo,

Day 13: Day trip to Disneyland

Day 14: Day trip to Yokohama (Yohohama Art museum & Chinatown)

Day 15: Shopping in Ginza, Akirahaba


Wish the photos are sorted and up... Makes it easier to write about them.
Oh well.. it was fun though and the trip back we upgraded our SQ tickets to business class and it was worth it, seeing how tired we were at the end of the trip.

Well, let's see how the photos turn out then.

Da cat

Ruskie is recovering well and less grouchy these days... at least to me. Bringing him to the vet for his monthly blood test still drives him insane (the vet has never seen such a defensive cat in her practise) but at least he is coping pretty well with the fluid dialysis at home. He might growl but at least he stopped struggling to get out once the needle goes in and would lie pretty still in my lap till its done. The biting (when i try to inset the needle in) reduced too.

Good news is, after these few months of doing the fluids and daily medication, his eyes started to contract a little bit and he seems to get around places and obstacles very well (no more knocking into walls, even in an unfamiliar place)! And last week, just prior to his blood test, i tried stopping the fluid dialysis to see if it would cost his creatanin level to increased (normal level is ard 2.4 and ruskie has been hovering around 3.1, his highest was at 3.7). I know it was a bit risky but i just wanted to know if he could do without the twice weekly drip treatment (it pains my heart to 'poke' him each time and see him so stress) or at least reduce it. If the level shot up again, i guess we would have to continue that course of treatment then.

Fortunately, it was a risk worth taking because his level dropped further to a 2.9! First time since Dec when he first became sick, even the vet was quite surprised especially knowing that he has gone without the fluid for a week! In any case i felt a tremendous sense of relief to know that he is really getting better. After a discussion with the vet, she too felt that ruskie is holding up really well with the special diet and medication so she reduced his fluid dialysis to just half a bag weekly while we continue to monitor his createnin level. Hopefully in the near future he wouldn't need the dialysis anymore and ruskie can start to enjoy his life without painful needles again.

Horizon

Horizon
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Taking the first step into my 4th decade of existence. Quite a mish-mash of feelings right now. Some sense of relief that i have been through the first 1/3 of my life (presuming optimistically that i'll live to be at least 90 of course) with relative good fortune. A little sense of disappointment that i didn't achieve more than i could have. A nagging feeling of regret over some 'crimes' i have committed over the years. But generally happy, because it's after all my birthday today.

Just received an email about 'reappraisal' from a friend of mine and i guess i was at the state of reappraisal for the last 3 years. Damn long if you asked me, just to do some stock-taking and planning for the future. Yet here it is, the final 'deadline' before moving on to my next phase in life.. and i am still at it because my inventory list still have a couple of lobangs and my future plans remain hazy.

In the last 30 years, i have learnt to tie my shoelaces, play the piano & paint badly. I have obtained numerous academic certificates, which in the end i found, did not correlate to success in life. I have accumulated some unique experiences such as getting kicked out of school at the age of 8 and working for a 'smuggling syndicate' before the age of 12. I have been through financial upheavals where family fortune was completely reversed twice in these 30 years, once in 1984 (terribly bad), another in 90s (still on the way up). Through it all, i have understood my family a little bit more and made my peace with them after the rather angst-filled teenage years. I have also learnt to appreciate all that they have given me in terms of their love and support (no matter how odd their way of expressions are).

I started my first permanent job at the age of 25 and is still at it. I am still confused if my passion brought me my job or is it the other way round. I learnt about true compassion with the children i see and some people i worked with. Yet, i have also discarded my rose-tinted glasses and learnt the sad truth about office politics and experienced the person-numbing effects of work-dissatisfaction. I realized the importance of being tactful & watching the words i say because passion & drive sometimes turn others against you. With that, i've also seen how colleagues can be true friends & felt their protective presence the moment i realized that work is not as innocent & straight-forward as i have thought.

I have met many people and made many friends over the years though they came and went. Still, there were others who came back again and stayed for good (i hope). I learnt some lessons about friendships such as empathy & patience but sometimes i am still at a loss about what to do or say to a friend. I still have not learnt how to be a social butterfly but managed to be more extroverted in my early 20s. Over the years, i have also accumulated more confidence in expressing myself but occasionally froze when i had to address a group suddenly.

I went through emotional ups & downs in relationships from the age of 18, though my first ever crush on a guy was when i was in kindergarten. I might have some ideas how it felt like to be depressed, to be vinditive, to be betrayed, to be hateful, but also to be protected, to be honoured and to be loved. I have only ever dated 3 guys seriously and married the last guy after dating for 7 years. Though we continued to fight and squabble sometimes, despite the change in our "status", the love that was so intangible before, is becoming clearer as time goes by.

There are so many other things about other things i have learnt and experienced but here's the essence of what i know. With time (perhaps another decade?), this essence of me will have more flavour, like boiling a giant pot of soup-stock. Till then, i guess i will just have to keep stirring & adding in the years (and what it entails) as they come.

So... Here's to me... happy 30th.

afterwards...

When a death occurs in the family... often it is the living who has to continue bearing the burden of what has happened.

Today, my aunt passed away suddenly after struggling with brain cancer over the last few months.
Her passing threw everyone around her into a whirlpool of pain, sadness and... unavoidably, guilt.

At noon today, a middle-age lady decided to walk out of her house with only an umbrella in a span of 5 minutes when no one was watching.

Perhaps it was an accumulation of stress, depression and pain...
Perhaps it was the denial of her cancer recurring...
Perhaps it was the fear of going through another round of painful treatment...
Or just the fear of not making it through.
God knows what else was going through her mind when she decided that enough was enough, and decided to end things on her terms.
God knows if she knew what would go through the minds of all of us now that she has left, so quickly, so desperately.

Whatever it was that went through her mind in her last moments... whatever it was that went through the minds of her family... in my mind, i can only remember the conversation during my mother's phonecall to me this morning at 11..

"Remember to go see your aunt later"
"It's raining so heavily... i will go after lunch"

Lunch never came... instead a phonecall did.

Hospitalized again...

Sick Ruskie 01.JPG
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Things are not looking well... Vet confirmed that it's kidney failure. Ruskie also has hypertension due to the kidneys. Hence both pupils are now dilated and the poor thing cant really see anymore... most likely to be a permanent condition.

Long term wise, Ruskie will need continual home-based 'dialysis' (putting a bag of fluid under his skin through a needle twice a week).

I am not sure if i am coming to grips with it all yet... especially when looking through some of his old pictures. Don't know how so much could have happened to him while i was in China. Worse thing is, i can't really explain to him why he has to go through so much pain over the last few weeks and he has been quite 'distance' from me, the "chief-torturer".

It's all gone quite mad since 2006 came around.

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Sick Cat

Profile Portrait
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

It has been a harrowing few days for poor ruskie when i was in Boracay. While i was away, he suddenly jumped out onto the balcony, refusing to come in despite pleas from wilk. By the time i got back, his left pupil had problems (cannot contract) and his vision was affected. Under such stress and staying out on the balcony, he became constipated and didn't eat for a while.

By the time i got home on sunday, he was one miserable and grouchy cat (understandably), and it took me a while to finally carried him back into the room. For the past 3 days, he still refused to eat and would growl/bite anyone who tried to carried him. The only exception was that he allowed me to pat him when he was in a 'relaxed' posture though he would give some warning growls whenever i tried to pick him up.

When the vet saw him last night (clinic was closed on tues and i kept him in to observe him on monday), she couldn't really say if his eye problem was due to a specific cause. He gave such a big struggle that eventually she had to sedate him to do the blood test and examination. Thankfully his liver is okie though his kidneys need some monitoring. Doc decided to hospitalize him for next 2 days to help tackle the constipation and dehydration problems. Hopefully that will reduce his pain and improve his mood. As for the eye, we can only see what could be the problem when the other things are cleared.

It is a stressful time for ruskie and a stressful time for me as well because i cant imagine if something were to happen to him. As it is, i am quite upset that he wont respond to me in his usual goofy way. Can't help but felt so guilty because i left him to go to Boracay and in some ways, felt that he is 'ignoring' me because he felt abandoned.

:(

Only hope now is that he can make it back home for xmas...

Sigh.

Mayday Concert - 10/12/05

The concert was FANTASTIC!!!!!

Basically had a rocking good time during the concert and it took some effort for me not to swoon whenever Ashin sang. Ya... becoming a band 'groupie' at a ripe old auntie age of 29 is sooooo... unbecoming. But what can i say? I am dead in love with mayday (with prior approval from the hubby already)!

So there we were, my colleague and I, waving our hands with lightsticks in the air and singing every song that evening on the top of our voices, as if we were still 18. Gosh.. an amazing experience and a most remarkable band!

Visiting Hakka Tulous

YONGDING, HAKKA TULOU 5
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

The inner arrangements of the tulous are simple (same for both round and rectangular tulous). It works pretty much like a row of step-up apartments placed side by side where a whole family occupies each segment of the 4 storied building.

The groundfloor is always the kitchen and toilet. The middle plot of open land is where livestock such as ducks, geese, pigs and chickens are kept together with a common well. On the second floor would be the storage area where the families would keep their grains. These are not kept on the ground floor due to the humidity and it would be unwise to keep it too high up and away from the kitchen. Finally, on the third and fourth floors would be the living quarters. Each floors are linked by a common passage way but each family's unit might be divided differently within their space.

It was said that as each tulou is so self-contained (with food and water), that during war times, a whole community can closed up the tulou and be self-sufficient for up to a year without having to step outside till the trouble blew over. And it is difficult for any attacker to lay seige to a tulou as the other walls were high to scale and the front doors could be double barred with stones. Local history has it that during the "Taiping Revolution" at the Yong Ding area, many rebels occupied the tulous and survived that way from the Qing army before moving onwards.

Visiting Hakka Tulous

YONGDING, HAKKA TULOU 14
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

The round hakka tulous were built using mud bricks and wood, without nails according the a chinese 'ba gua' format (round on the outside, octagonal in the inside) which makes it a truly remarkable feat considering the durability and functionality of the architecture. The unusual structure helps it to retain heat in the winter and keep things cool and ventilated in the summer.

Each 'octagonal' side within the round tulous are reinforced with bricks, which serves as a natural firebreak, hence one section of the building can be burned down (accidents or during war time), the other parts can remain intact. The damage area can be easily rebuild to connect to the rest of the structure again.

It is really quite majestic when viewed from the top though most tulou cannot be more than 4 or 5 stories high due to the foundations. When looked from the side, the other walls of the round tulous actually curved slightly inwards which helped in creating a natural incline for the inside roofs to shelter each floor from the damange of sun and rain. The foundations are usually around 3m deep with the width at the bottom of the other walls around 1.8m while the top is around 1.2m. Due to the thickness of the walls, despite the years of sun & rain, the buildings remain sturdy though cracks and erosion occurs.

Visiting Hakka Tulous

YONGDING, HAKKA TULOU 2
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Spent 9 days (Dec 1 - Dec 9) in my annual trip to China this year. Half the time was visiting my folks and eating sinfully good food while other half was making a short trip to Xiamen & Yong Ding. Particularly memorable was the Hakka Tulous around the Yong Ding region (4 1/2 hr bus ride inland from Xiamen.

When talking about Hakka Tulous, most would probably think of the round community houses but in actual fact, most tulous are rectangular. The very first tulous built weren't round and it was only after a few years before round tulous appeared as it takes more effort and was more time consuming to build a round tulou. The sizes between the tulous also varies between having 3-4 families to 40-50 households within the same tulou, each a self-contained community. One village can make up of several rectangular and round tulous, usually situated around a river (the front door should face the water as the hakkas believe it will bring luck). Though everyone speak hakka, there may be slight differences even between different tulous in the area.

Most tulous has lasted for hundreds of years with minimum renovations (considering how poor the communities are, most probably couldn't afford to renovate), just strengthening some parts with bamboo strips or replacing wore out parts of the wood. Some have withstand natural disasters such as earthquake and man-made disasters such as wars.

Adjustments

Haven�t blog for a while because I needed sometime to �reconsolidate� my life especially at this juncture after I �transcended� from a Miss to a Mrs, into another plane of existence altogether. I don�t think I went into marriage with rose-tinted glasses but reality still takes a bit of getting used to and more often than not, I do have to �scale-down� my previously held expectations. In any case, there are just so much adjustment going on right now that I just needed sometime to get a hold of myself, perhaps even reconfigure who I am and what I want to be, taking stock of where I am at this moment, family-wise and work-wise.

It is hard to pen anything thoughts down coherently about being married after the wedding and the weeks that followed because I hardly had time to untangle all these new experiences before they were compounded by my overseas trip, work-related anxiety/stress and general load-of-crap. The only time I have for myself might be those snippets of hours when I vegged out infront of the TV before bedtime just so that I could be mentally distracted from reality. Other times, I am just busy tackling life on the whole and everyone that�s connected with it. It is at times frustrating and definitely physically and mentally draining. And that�s just at work�

I think I might have overloaded myself trying to do everything and be everything without first thinking through what is it I really want to achieve now. It�s knowing that I am the same but perhaps functioning at a different playing field. I want to do the things I used to do and though it is true, life shouldn�t change at the point of being married but yet, I can�t pretend that everything remains the same. I have new responsibilities and priorities that I cannot simply ignore or pretend not to exist just because I want to stick to �being myself� (well i guess the "myself" being pre-marital status). It�s like wanting to hang out with friends but somehow or the other, I couldn�t or shouldn�t, at least not like the way I have before. And when I attempt to accommodate my old schedules/habits with my new ones, I�m the one ending up tired and bushed.

It is not quite as dramatic or overt as it sounds but the subtle differences and pressures do add up. Frankly I am not sure how to structure my priorities yet.
Which comes first?
To be true to myself?
To be a good wife?
To be a good daughter?
To be a good daughter in law?

Would it be unreasonable to place them in the order which I�ve rather instinctive typed out? Perhaps I am more egocentric than most.

I have only been married for 2 months (exactly, come 9th Nov) and I think I asked more than once, how is being married now work out better than when I was dating the hubby? Other than perhaps having more money in the bank account now that two people are contributing to expenses. We spent just as much time together (and in fact, have much less time for ourselves) and continue to do things that we do together while dating (come to think of it, we seem to do them less now because we have to work in other things such as dinner back at the in-laws).

Yet�
I do feel something good about being married that is quite difficult to articulate. A certain sense of security and that added �stress� when worrying about this recently-crowned most important person in my life is surprisingly quite� sweet (in a little wifey sort of way).

I am trying to get a handle on it and I won�t be surprised if I still get those �I can�t believe I�m married!� moments and get a chuckle out of it but certainly, it shouldn�t inspire any more sense of blind panic and wild anxiety.

That�s the theory anyway.

Mr Tabs

adopt your own virtual pet!

First Birthday Wishes...

from a wifey to a hubby... Hee hee

Many many happy returns darling...
Hope to celebrate your birthday with you every year for the rest of our lives...
*muaks*

Home and Such...

The last 2 weeks or so has not been great, with bad news from home and of people passing on. Melancholia seems to seep into everything we do. As if what we were going through in NC was any much better. Heard from friends that while we were gone, colleague's parents met with a bad accident and her mom passed away and her father is seriously injuried. Soon to follow were news of a fellow trainee's uncle who had passed away and then her own dad coming down with a mild stroke. In some unfortunate coincident, i also received a call from my cousin who informed me that my uncle in msia has also passed away and needed to get in touch with my parents urgently. It was surreal being a bearer of bad news across the globe at 3am in the morning trying to reach my parents in china.

School has been turned upside down, literally because of the carnival and apparently some of my kids are NOT doing well, hence need urgent attention. Reports are overdue, no thanks to my fried motherboard on the old laptop, and tons of meetings have to be scheduled now that we are back. And oh, case conference is starting in 2 weeks.

On the brighter side of things, my mobile phone is working fine again and i am just glad to be home safe.

Sunset at Raffles Marina

Sunset at Raffles Marina
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Finally all the actual day wedding photos are up in flickr. Wilk has uploaded them for me to see while i am in North Carolina & that was so nice because i am missing him terribly but the pictures helped put a smile on my face when i go through it. Wonderful memories and again, i can't thank all the friends and family who helped enough... because without them & everyone who took time to attend that day, wilk & I wouldn't have had such a memorable wedding.

Away and Life's Shit

Touched down in USA since sunday and life's a bitch.

In short:
1) Laptop's motherboard fried itself on my first day away
2) HP soon followed suit
3) Same with my Sony MP3 earphones

Seems everything electronic is slowly disintegrating once i got here.
I have nothing to work on... can't talk to love ones on the phone... and can only listen to my music on one side of my head.

Life sucks at this point.
Cant help but speculate that 1) i used up all my good luck for my wedding or 2) someone up there is punishing me for not having a decent honeymoon but spending my time working instead.

sigh.



help.

Wedding blooms

my love is like a
Originally uploaded by varf.

Love the flowers...

0 9 0 9 2 0 0 5

Well people.. we had a fantastic wedding and thanks to all the guests for indulging us by coming out all the way to �the end of Singapore � aka Tuas� and celebrating 090905 with us. I don�t think Wilk and I could have had such a memorable day if not for everyone�s well wishes and blessings (esp the weatherman, for granting us clear skies with no rain).

Viewed through the video footage and realized that i seemed to tear alot, esp where my brothers were concerned, once during the tea ceremony when both of them asked if Wilk would take care of me forever & make my burden his as well. Second time when the videographer asked me why did i get so emotional during tea ceremony in our bridal london taxi on our way to Wilk's place, third was during our wedding vows and last time was when both my brothers gave a speech each. The whole day i felt really touched, from the time my jie meis' helped me the previous night to finish doing my angbao postbox to my parents sending me off after the tea ceremony till the actual solemnization ceremony.

The outdoor setting was more than what we asked for and it was quite amazing that there wasn't any major hiccups. I don't know how others felt but it's certainly one of the most amazing experiences i ever have and i had all the people i love all around me. My only regret was perhaps not having a chance to taste much of the food though friends gave pretty good reviews (only hope they wont just being polite *heh heh*). We really love the flowers decor though we had to top up extra, but i think some things in life are worth it you know? Guess flowers are more important to me than say... a champagne fountain.

In the end, both wilk & i looked back at 090905 with great memories and we were just so blessed that we DID end up with the wedding the way we wanted it. Such as having a beautiful sunset buffet outdoors in tuas (yes abit far, but we can make noise!!). Or having our friends and my bros to give a speech than doing the cake cutting or champagne pouring (which felt more personal and meaningful for us). And even engaging a rock band to play and we got to sing live and ham it up for everyone. The songs we sang was orginally meant to be a surprise for each other and the band tried so hard to keep us from finding it out (both of us only found out there and then!). It was so cool and wilk can REALLY sing. I really eating my words now because i always tell people he cant really sing for nuts (I am sorry dear, now i know better & will only let you sing the English songs than Chinese ones).

Yes, guess we are quite the closet exhibitionists and despite our initial worries, our parents didn't looked too fazed by the whole 'unconventionality' of it all. But could tell, it took them a while to warm up... well my parents certainly did, judging by their impromptu 'upstaging' singing performance in the front of the stage with their whole CHURCH CHOIR! I wondered what went through my in-laws mind in that moment since they were not christians at all and was possibly shell-shock about the brazeness of my family (at least in terms of our apparent lack of stage fright).

Anyway everyone in my family went up on stage that night and that's the coolest thing ever to me. I am really proud of being part of them and 'inherited' such 'fine' genes. At least it explained the 'exhibitionistic' side of me.. Heh though i wonder what's wilk's excuse.. :D At the end of the day, no one forced fed us any alcohol so we are still bouncing and jumping around. Wished more people danced but guess everyone's shy. Hahaha. Well, they weren't so shy when a couple of our friends (15 or so!) crowded into our bridal suite and make us do such M18 things that we would be SURE to repay some of it back the next time they get married.

It was a fun-filled night, full of joyous laughter and we took that with us as we go to bed. No.. the reality of counting the angbaos did not even entered our head till the next morning so we ended the evening doing what newly-weds do... eating leftover crayfish and sipping wine in bed. :)

Oh incidentally... despite wilk's initial misgivings about expenses and all that (perhaps its because of all that 'non-standard' items like the live band), we did really well with our budget (at least for the actual day and i am very proud of myself - told wilk he shd trust me but it wasnt until the final moment after we paid the bills before he realized that his new wife IS quite good with budgetting). No we didnt 'earn' anything but we certainly didn't incur any debt cos the gift money from relatives and friends helped covered for the dinner, flowers, alcohol and band! So thanks to everyone again!!

Keeping track

I am not sure i felt nervous now. Nor quite as jittery as that day at the sushi bar. Perhaps the immensity of what is going to happen next friday has not fully settled in yet but i am hopeful that blind panic and fear would not be kicking in anymore after that day. Guess i am as ready as i'll ever be... mentally at least. Preparation-wise, i am still trying to tie up the loose ends. Wilk has been fantastic with his preps but seems to have his bouts of insecurity and panic as well. Just the other day, he woke up and told me that he dreamt our wedding was over, and the great relief he felt when he thought it was. I think i understand how he felt.

Neither of us is at the point where we felt we shouldn't go through with the wedding but taking it as something we have to do, get out of the way of, so that we can go on with our normal life. I don't think there will be a very significant change in things just because we are now 'married' as opposed to being 'attached. Maybe i am wrong but then, our lives for the last two years has been so stable that it seems we are practically married, judging by the time we spent with each other. So i am hoping that the 'change' after signing the marriage cert would be minimal, well at least emotionally.

Practical issues such as where to stay etc would be additional things to worry about but i think we got a good compromise on that so looking forward to see what will happen after friday the 9th of sept.

One week

Another week more to go... Lunar seventh month is over and today, first day of the lunar eighth month, we had our 'Guo Da Li'. Very simple thing that involve wilk and his male cousin bring over the cakes and 'Pin Jin' to my parents and doing some sort of exchange. Have not seen anything like it in my life but i know some people throw buffets and have relatives over during the ceremony. We kept it quite simple and the guys were in and out of here in less than 1/2 hour though initially it was quite awkward as we are quite wonderfully inept with traditional customs (wilk even had to call home once to check on the procedures). But was quite nice though, with all the laughing and hearing wilk calling my parents mom and dad. Not much things for me to do except take over the videocamera and help record down our 'ji shou ya jiao' attempt at Guo Da Li.

After the morning ceremony was completed, my parents left to bring the cakes to church for their friends and i was left cleaning out my room. Gosh... another five days...

Two weeks

2 fridays before the "Actual Day"... the girls took me out for my hen party down at clarke quay. Tremendous fun cos we managed to polish of 1 bottle of red, 1 bottle of white, 1 bottle of champagne and other cocktails between the 5 of us. Think they were trying to get me drunk (though i must say i did ask for a hen nite to get drunk in) by making me empty out whole glasses of wine at one go. And then the secretive 'disappearances' here and there certainly got my guard up as i began to suspect it wasn't just gonna be drinking that i was in for. True to their word, they got the live band at the bar (incidentally ran by Angie's friend) to got me up on the stage and sang "Cant take my eyes off you" with them. By then, I was happy and high and not sure if i was walking really straight but i did remember that the lead singer was rather cute (but others more sober told me otherwise). Anyway, it was a terrific evening and though the girls didnt get me a stripper, i had great company, wine, singing/dancing and just before we left, a big hug and a peck on the cheek by the lead singer. What a great party!

Getting there...

51double26xF
Originally uploaded by aurorin.

Yesterday, while eating sushi alone after gym (erm quite healthy la..), i suddenly realised that the wedding will be in 3 weeks time. Immediately my stomach felt like it's been hit by a cold stone mallet and i wanted to throw up. It was the exact same sort of feeling i had just before entering the exam hall of a maths paper. But that feeling gradually subside and by the time i talk to him on the phone, i was pretty ok again. Guess the pre-marriage jitters story is true then... though i didnt imagine that the 'pain' can be quite that acute and scary.

All the while i figured that there cant possibly be that much changes to our lives once we get married officially. At least not in the outward sense.. but since yesterday, the potential internal changes seems too tangible and too overwhelming all of a sudden. Though i was calmer by the end of the night, there is this nagging feeling which is hard to put a word to that continues to linger at the back of my mind.

Today at work, i flip open my online wedding album and viewed our photos again. Somehow... it helped tremendously in brushing away the lingering feelings from last night. I dont know why. Perhaps its how the photos managed to capture our happy moments and everything was so familiar that it did not seems foreign to me. It was a comforting, secure feeling that felt, not so much like i'm falling in love again, but reminding me of the times i am IN love and BEING loved by this special person.

This feeling is not the heady passionate kind but it is a very powerful feeling that seems to rock your own sense of being yet nothing quite moved inside. I cant really describe it well but i know that at least wilk would understand it. Sort of like how nothing in our wedding album would make sense to others but those photos are probably the most frank and private images that means so much to the two of us.

Fireworks

Was going to walk to city hall to catch the fireworks last night but somehow wasn't feeling quite up to it with the crowd that would be around fullerton area. In the end made up our minds to drive home from our studio. Must be fate. The usual turning towards home happened to just get blocked by the police, probably because of the mobile column going that way and we had to turn towards town instead.

Decided to try our luck going up shears bridge to see if we could go towards marina south and park somewhere to view the fireworks. It was around 7.35pm then. Turned out to be a great decision because we were stuck in a traffic jam going up shears bridge and by the time we got to the top, it was around 8pm and we found tons of cars stopping by the side of the bridge, right ontop of the river mouth at the marina bay area. Traffic policemen were around of course but they weren't really shooing people away.

So when the fireworks started, I was sitting out on my car window, having fireworks to the left and right of me at both ends of the bay, cheering with the rest of the drivers who had all stepped out of their cars. Having fireworks exploding just above you. Very cool, that. Right timing, right place, right moment. Once the fireworks were over, the traffic police just waved us off and it was a nice smooth ride home as i turned out of prince edward road and drove back to the east via kallang before the rest of the crowd around the Padang dispersed.

What a great way to end the evening.